Mega Man 9 PSN, Xbox Live, WiiWare Review

Dear Mr. Capcom,

Excuse me dear friend, could I please have but just a moment of your time? I am writing to inform I recently purchased an XBLA game created by little old you called Mega Man 9. However, in your haste I believe you have made a huge mistake, as I am now playing something from the 1980’s. This has truly set many cats amongst my lovely pigeons, and I am very annoyed,

Sorry, I said “playing,” I guess I should more careful with my words. I really cannot play the darn thing, as I just walk a few steps forward in an 8-bit world that is made of differing blocks of colours, and then I die. When I die I get put all the way back to the very start. Then I move a bit and die again, and again, and again. If I happen to get a bit further than I expected on one level, and smile that I am doing well, then I will die AGAIN. These shenanigans have to stop. You hurt me Capcom!

Seriously, I now honestly want to hurt someone back to make up for all the hurt you’ve caused me. I mean whoever created this godforsaken thing called a game is a sadist. You deserve to be hurt, and I mean really hurt. Have you heard of a Hadoken, a Yoga Flame, or a Hyper Uppercut? Of course you have! Well I am going to do all of them to you multiple times!

How am I supposed to write a review of a game under these circumstances Capcom? I mean it is impossi… God dammit I just died again. It’s impossible.

If I can’t get far enough in the game I cannot tell everyone about the joys of meeting the likes of Concrete Man, Jewel Man, Hornet Man, and Tornado Man for the first time. I want to explain how great the game is, and how satisfying it is learn tactics to trounce the bosses! Also, how am I supposed to explain what a great feeling you get by finally beating each section of the game – even though the game pounds you into submission before you can think of achieving such a task?

I also want to tell readers about how you unlock great new weapons as you advance, expanding your skills from just using the basic blaster you start with. But because of your mistake Capcom I can’t even explain that! Also, there is also no way that I can explain that Mega Man 9 is one of the few games in the genre to offer a true free form approach as how you tackle levels, letting you pick and chose what level you take on. Of course, it should be noted that there is a preferred way to tackle the game, by getting the best weapon from a certain boss to make another slightly easier – but I can’t note that Capcom because your blooming game hurts me!

No one is ever going to find out about the music now either, which by the way is made of simple bleeps, but still manages to sound nothing short of spectacular. Then there is the fact I actually enjoy being forced to play in a 4:3 just for simple retro trills! Who needs widescreen anyway! Furthermore, I can’t tell them about the challenge of collecting screws dropped from fallen foes, which can be picked up throughout the game to unlock additional items and abilities.

Speaking of unlockables, I would also like to have being given the chance of getting to mention the likes Time Attack, which is supported by online leaderboards, and Endless Attack, which is probably the most hard-hitting survival mode ever included in a game in the history of time, tasking players with getting by as many screen as possible before unmercifully dying.

So Capcom, how are our readers ever supposed to find out what a true triumph Mega Man 9 is? How am I supposed to warn people who choose to play that they may end up with a urge to smash their controller with a sledgehammer due to the intense anger this game may cause? And crucially, how am I supposed to tell them that it is all truly worth it in the end? I really do not know!

Yours angrily,
Thomas McDermott