President Obama and Governor Romney – “We agree to heavily tax video game industry unless Half Life 3 releases soon”

In tonight’s presidential debate, a stunning admission from both candidates has left the video game industry in a state of shock.

While the candidates disagreed on areas of culture, taxes, and Social Security, moderator Jim from PBS attempted to catch them off guard by introducing a topic that initially seemed unrelated to the debate: video games. Despite the curveball, the candidates responded with campaign pledges that will likely turn off a large majority of gamers.

After President Obama commented that he would “pretend the topic wasn’t brought up,” Governor Romney responded that “both the President and I agree that video games should be taxed, and taxed hard. The industry isn’t beneficial to our country.” This honest confession prompted President Obama to respond by saying that he’s “been working harder than anyone else to tax the gaming industry. It’s a vice that, apart from Madden 13 and NBA 2K13, doesn’t really do much for me or my daughters.”

Governor Romney then confirmed the president’s thoughts: “While we both understand the importance of discussing other topics, it’s important that we convey our extreme dislike for how often people tell us that we should comment on Gamestop versus Best Buy’s used games policies. I, as my opponent agrees, am a fan of books, and wish that more people read. Perhaps it’s because of Colorado’s high elevation, but I believe that we can win against poor entertainment, which I consider video games part of.”

However, it’s the candidates agreement on which game would halt their forward-thinking ideas about the gaming industry that has many people wondering if the market is doomed – Half Life 3. Romney said, “I am good friends with Gabe Newell, president of Valve. He worked on the Olympics with me; well, actually, he was a judge for women’s skiing. He promised me Half Life 3 two years ago, and nothing has come out yet. So, unless we get it soon, I’m calling shenanigans on the whole industry.

President Obama agreed: “Agreed. Valve is holding the key to the industry, and Gabe (who was part of Beergate, even though you didn’t see him in any pictures) has been teasing us for too long.”

Analysts from around the video game industry have responded to the president’s and governor’s claims. Ray Muzyka and Greg Zeschuk, former heads of BioWare, commented that they would speak with both men about taxing the game industry, mentioning that “gamers have already been heavily taxed this year. We charged $60 dollars for Mass Effect 3, and we view that as a tax considering the game was released in February and the ending was like being painfully audited by the IRS.”

Former Gears of War design director Cliff Bleszinski also quickly responded to the issue, tweeting that he knew of the issue being part of tonight’s debate: “Yeah, I knew this was coming. It’s why I left Epic to work for Valve on Half-Life 3. Oops, shouldn’t have said that. #HalfLife3biggergunsthanever.”

Ultimately, I can only hope that each candidate remembers to keep in touch with his audience throughout the debate. Suffice to say, video games may never be on the debate docket again, but the many cultural issues – along with the infinite governmental issues faced by whichever candidate ultimately wins – facing each man is enough to make me wish each man the best of luck in navigating these pre-election hours and days.

However, we hope that Half Life 3 is released for everyone’s sake. And soon.

We’ve reached out to all involved parties for comments; more information as we get it.

Note – this is satire.