I dream of E3

E3 is the Cannes of games. It’s a chance for industry entities to swan around, quaffing champagne and dribbling caviar whilst making ill-advised comments about Hitler. It is a wonderful time, where enthusiasts everywhere stay up late searching for live feeds to see big faced Reggie go on another patented ‘Fil-Aimesbuster’, Major Nelson be a Major, and Kevin Butler be a… dick.

It promises to be a bit good this year, too. However, as good as all the rumoured stuff is, my heart yearns for other things. Like the love of a good woman, or the end of Skrillex’s music career. So, to get into the spirit, I thought I’d list just a few of the things that would be happening at my ideal E3. These are in no particular order.


Turok 3

I said this was in no particular order, but this is basically the biggy for me. Yes, I know there was already a Turok 3, but it doesn’t count because it was bloody plop. And don’t get me started on the abomination that was released a few years back, which managed to somehow replace a time travelling Indian with a bunch of space-marine dude-bros. God, if ever a game missed the point it was 2008’sTurok, as it dumbly dispensed with the apeshit weapons, mystical comic book charm and open ended environments, in favour of boring machine guns, dull corridor shooting and a plot that Cliffy B could have written during a fag break. It was heartbreaking. Even the dinosaurs were crap.
So, the franchise is basically finished. But in Daniel Cairns fantasy land, which is overflowing with Vin Diesel films, ironic Creed love and an unhealthy obsession with Bollywood, it’s about to get a glorious resurrection at fantasy E3.

What I would like to happen is this: the men that did Metroid Prime make Turok 2: part 2. It makes sense, as some of the people who worked on the original Turok games moved onto make Metroid Prime anyway, so it’d be a bit like when Shinji Mikami came back to fix Resident Evil with Resident Evil 4.

Imagine it. No boring stop and pop corridors, huge levels to explore and wanton, ruthless dinosaur murder in glorious next-gen HD. Can you imagine what the cerebral bore would do to a cybernetic raptor on an Xbox or something? It would make Bulletstorm look like Cooking Mama.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 3

Bioware will doubtless ensure The Old Republic has another flashy trailer at E3, and spiritual successor Mass Effect 3 will be represented up to its big blue arse, but it’s hard not to look upon them both with a bit of scepticism. After the curate’s egg that was Dragon Age 2 and Mass Effect 2’s near transformation into a corridor shooter, people are getting a wee bit – wait for it – Bio-wary these days.

Solution? A new KotOR game, by Obsidian. If Obsidian were given the time to work on a game rather than be forced to rush it out, they’d easily be enjoying the same level of success as Bioware or Bethesda. Anyone who’s played Alpha Protocol and looked past the fabulously stupid reviews (hi, Jim) will tell you the writing is heaps better and more interesting than anything in either Mass Effect game. So yes, KotOR 3 please. With the funny sociopathic droid, if you can. And Stephen Heck.

I’d forgive George if this happened.


Doom 4

Pretty obvious, really. Doom 3 owned, despite opinions to the contrary, and more Doom is good. I’d also like to see lovely John Romero come back into the fold. John Romero is great, and looks like a member of Dragonforce nowadays. It also gives John Carmack an excuse to do a speech. I love John Carmack. I could listen to that man talk about algorithms and graphics processors for ages in his lovely, sleepy voice.


Quake 5

Just for more Carmack, really.


Rage 2


An Evening With Tak Fuji

Literally just a Q&A session with Konami producer Tak Fuji. Nothing planned, just Tak Fuji going off on one in his mad, mad way. He’s a blistering amalgamation of Zach De La Rocha and Burt Kwouk. He’d definitely be the singer in a band made up of game developers. Shigeru Miyamoto would definitely be on drums, because he has crap hair. Also his drumkit would be the Donkey Konga bongos.

The other mad guy from last year’s Konami conference would be the Bez of the band.


Public humiliation of the Bulletstorm woman

The woman from the Bulletstorm conference last year who came out with that ‘circle of awesome’ horseshit is forced to pay penance for her acquiescing to dude-bros everywhere and making us cringe. Choice of punishment includes firing squad with paint guns, repeated viewings of 2 Girls 1 Cup, or playing Final Fantasy 13 in its entirety. People who choose the winning form get access to the Gears 3 beta and a nice commemorative skin for Dom which has a Zapatista moustache and a sombrero. We will not let this go unpunished.


Shinji Mikami Art Exhibit

Tracy Emin gets wildly inebriated and watches Damien Hirst play through Resident Evil 4. The unbridled lunacy of the game causes Emin to flip her lid completely, resulting in her smearing her faeces on the wall, all the while speaking in tongues and making frenzied garbled impressions of the merchant.


Rock Band: Wesley Willis

Rock over London, rock on Chicago… EA SPORTS, IT’S IN THE GAME.



So, there you have it. These are some of the things at my ideal E3. Obviously it’s not the whole lot, as some of my wishes are liable to ensure I never work in this industry again, but it’s a glimpse into my glorious vision for the world. A world where Creed songs are sung in churches, Barry Burton is the main character in everything and footballers are legally required to be sterilised.
But enough about my world and my E3… what about yours?