Final Armada PS2 Review

I really don’t like Final Armada, and in turn, perhaps unsurprisingly, I really don’t feel like writing this review. I am sure you have also never heard of Final Armada, nor do you care about Final Armada, or what it is about. In fact, why are you even reading this review? No, really why? Are you that bored? I am sure you have better things to do! Perhaps this review would be a good test of the age old tale of ‘what is the sound of one review being read if there is nobody there to hear it?’ At least that would give this review a reason to exist.

You see, playing Final Armada seems like a step back about 30 years, throwing out most ideas that have evolved over the years and presenting gamers with a very limited take on the action genre, a take that in the current gaming climate feels very restricted. Once you get by the main menu screen the most noticeable thing about the game is that just about everything feels fiddly, and nothing happens just how you want it to. Firstly, trying to move your craft, which by the way is an armoured futuristic tank, is nigh on impossible. You never feel like you have traction with the ground, and any quick instinctive moves are a no-go area as controls are some of the most sluggish seen in years.

Interestingly, or should that be slightly less mind-numbingly-boring than the rest of what’s on show, the game also gives you the option to change your craft into hover mode, but regretfully this really does nothing to affect the gameplay other than changing a few of your vehicles attributes to make it move a bit different. Also, the game give you the option to use air support to help you, but this is not very well realised, adding no tactics to the game at all, and is instead just another addition to the long list of things that make Final Armada a terrible experience to partake in. In addition, the game’s missions are beyond boring, with each of the 16 levels boiling down to the same boring ‘fight cannon fodder enemies’ and then ‘reach checkpoints to meet boss’ formula.

The graphics, I really don’t them either, and I don’t want to talk about them. They are ugly, and at times look like a PlayStation game from 1996. Colours are all dull, with even the game’s metallic surfaces looking like mud. Furthermore, environments all look very dreary, with next to nothing to liven up any frame on show from any scene in the whole game. Each level in the game feels just about as empty and lifeless as the next. In truth, everything looks extremely unexciting, and there is nothing to bring life to the technical cesspit of an existence the game resides in.

You may not believe it but the rest of the game’s presentation is even worse. The music is so bad you’ll wish it wasn’t there, or possibly hope it was replaced with the latest effort from the Cheeky Girls, as yes, even that would be better. Also the game is laden with text to read, mountains of text, and text which crucially cannot be sped up or skipped, so if you do play the game – WHY? – you are then forced to read through it all, or wait around twiddling your thumbs for how ever long the developer wants to make you sit around doing nothing. I suppose reading said text would not be that bad if the game was well scripted, but yet again the game is a let-down in this department as well, as the overarching story to tie all of this mediocrity together is yet another terrible facet of the game that does nothing but annoy those that experience it.

Now, I am usually not one to criticise developers, as they spend long hard hours on creating games for us to play, but this time I am at a loss as to how I-Imagine created something this bad. Why did the disc even get pressed? I don’t know. How did all the stupid bugs and ideas get by quality control? That’s another baffling issue. How did some of the ideas in the game get by the ideas stage? Oh, I don’t really care anymore!

So you made it to the end of my Final Armada review, well done! If you have not got it by now my recommendation is: Please don’t buy this game, it is not a good one. In fact, if for some reason you want the game then feel free to email the site and ask for my copy, and I will send it to the first – perhaps only – person to ask for it. Truthfully, as you somehow made it to the end of this review you deserve it. However, if you have already handed over good money for the game then here is a good place to go to begin your complaints… they even include directions!

I want to use curse words, I really do.

1.5 out of 10

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